Archive for September 21st, 2013

How to photograph a college football game in seventy-six easy steps

September 21, 2013

By Matthew E. Milliken
Sept. 21, 2013

Step 1. Have your sibling give you a birthday present of tickets to watch Stanford football play at Army on Sept. 14, 2013. This is a game you’ve been awaiting for years because of the nature of college football intersectional scheduling (and also because you live on the East Coast and your alma mater, Stanford, is in California).

Step 2. Put off asking someone to accompany you to the Stanford-Army game. Repeat for weeks and weeks and weeks.

Step 3. At not quite the last minute (six days before kickoff), ask your pal “Jay” to accompany you to the Stanford-Army game.

Step 4. At not quite the last minute (the night before the game), print out your e-tickets to the game and purchase a parking pass.

Step 5. At not quite the last minute (shortly before leaving the house to pick up Jay and go to the game), ask to borrow your parent’s Samsung compact digital camera with the excellent zoom.

Step 6. Pick up Jay outside his home shortly after 9:30 a.m. on game day.

Step 7. Thoughtlessly proceed to take perhaps the worst possible route between Jay’s home and the highway you plan to take to West Point. Not only is the route circuitous, it passes through a number of Orthodox Jewish and/or Hasidic Jewish communities. And not only does the circuitous route pass through a number of Orthodox Jewish and/or Hasidic Jewish communities, this happens to be Saturday, the sabbath day, when truly observant Jews refuse to use automobiles and instead walk everywhere. And not only does the circuitous route pass through a number of Orthodox and/or Hasidic Jewish communities on Saturday, this particular day happens to be Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, the holiest of Jewish holidays, which means that there are lots of people walking. And not only are there lots of pedestrians, a noticeable number of them are walking not on the available sidewalks but beside them. And not only are some of these people walking on the street, instead of watching where they’re going, some of them are reading (presumably) prayer books as they go.

Step 8. Because Jay hasn’t had breakfast, search for a bagel place to patronize. Because neither of you are particularly familiar with the area where you are, this involves nearly turning into a strip mall that lacks a bagel place; actually turning into a strip mall that doesn’t have a bagel place but is immediately adjacent to a strip mall with a bagel place; and turning, finally, into a strip mall with a bagel place.

Step 9. Drive toward West Point, N.Y.

Step 10. Bypass the first turnoff for West Point because it’s clogged with traffic.

Step 11. Bypass the second turnoff for West Point because it won’t lead to a lot where you can use your parking pass. Also, it’s clogged with traffic.

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